Unemployed dad’s Weblog

November 3, 2008

10 signs you may already be an unemployed dad

Sometimes in this fast paced world of instant coffee and 1 hour photo processing you may find yourself as an unemployed dad and not even know it.

Here are 10 signs you may be an unemployed dad:

1.  Hot Dog consumption increases:  in economics, hot dogs are considered an “inferior good”, a commodity that increases in demand as income decreases.  Conversely, you may have noticed your consumption of the expensive vodka endorsed by celebrites has decreased, probably because you can’t afford it.  If your expensive vodka consumption has increased, you could still be unemployed but it is more a sign that you are a drunk.  Switch to a cheaper brand.

2.  Everybody else’s personal hygiene improves:  Actually, this is not the case.  Everybody else is the same, your personal hygiene is on the decline, because you don’t have a job.  Have a shower.

3.  Fewer trips to the gas station:  This is a real tell, not driving to work reduces fuel consumption dramatically.  A good sign that you are unemployed.

4.  Lower withholding taxes on your pay stub: taxes are directly proportional to your income.  It stands to reason that as your income decreases, state and federal taxes will follow suit.  This is logical.  You may have noticed not receiving pay stubs at all, this means you have no job.

5.  Increased motivation to win at “Hi Ho Cherry-O”:  I played my four year old at this, and I really wanted to win, but I lost.  This is because I have no job and wins are harder to come by.  When I had a job, I was only partially motivated to win.  I like to think of myself as a realist.

6.  You become expert at stocks and politics:  You are not really an expert.  You just watch more MSNBC, CNBC, CNN and Fox News because they are on during the day when you would normally be working if you were employed.  You are unemployed and watch too much daytime TV.

7.  You suffer memory loss: specifically, how to set an alarm clock, how to get to and from work, where you work and what you do for a living.  Don’t panic, this is symptomatic of being unemployed, not demented, though, you could be also be demented.  That would suck.

8.  Lower drycleaner bills:  If you have a job and they make you wear a suit, the suit needs to be taken to the drycleaners for cleaning.  Hence…duh!

9.  Your wife asks a lot of questions:  If you had a job, typically you only had to prepare a response for one question, “how was work?”, at least five times a week.  Now all of a sudden, its the third degree “What are you doing today?”, “What are you going to do next?”, “Can we afford this?”, “How are we going to pay the mortgage?”, stuff like that.   Talk about nosy!  You may be unemployed.

10.  Less sensitive to getting fired:  a dramatic drop off in your sensitivity to being released from work due to the economy, performance, politics, getting caught photocopying your butt is a prime indicator you might not have a job.  Because you are already unemployed, you are protected by the federal law of “double jeopardy”, you cannot be fired from a job once you have been fired from that job.  Phew!

Results:

0-3 you probably still have a job, just not a good one.

4-6 good chance you are unemployed.  Try this, show up at “work” and see if they let you do it.

7-10 you are unemployed.  I know it sounds harsh, but its not the end of the world.  Love your family, and make the best of your situation.

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